Have you ever felt numb?

This is something most people would look at and think no unless they have had a tooth out or something but I mean emotionally numb and I am sure there are a lot of you who can relate to this.

This has been how I have been feeling now for a while now and it hasn’t been something I have spoken about until the last week or so. I don’t like to admit to people that I am not feeling my ‘normal’ self. I have to say this is something that really strikes a cord with me as I hate feeling nothing… it is for sure worse than feeling extremely emotional.

What do you mean feeling numb?

Feeling numb to me is feeling nothing, no emotion just going on with each day as if each day is just a dream and there is nothing else left to give to world. I am not happy, sad, angry, I have no emotion what so ever. Even to the point you want to cry and feel as though you could cry but there is nothing inside you to give.

Feeling numb takes every part of your identity from you as well as the ability to be a human being, as all human beings and creatures feel pain and have emotion but when you can no longer feel anything it makes you feel as though there is nothing to you. You feel as though you are just a shell walking around.

When people ask you ‘are you ok?’ its not a easy question to answer as you have no idea what you are feeling, feeling lost within your self. It can be so heart breaking when you are looking at your beautiful niece and feeling nothing when she would normally melt your heart and make you feel all warm inside but instead feeling absolutely nothing. It’s hard to understand and then you feel worse as you are just a shell of the person you once was.

What to do if you are feeling numb?

Well there is no right answer for this as it is a hard one. One of the first things I would recommend is speaking out to someone whether this is a friend or a family member or a trained professional.

I would always recommend going to see your doctor, as feeling numb can lead you to harmful behaviour such as self harming and evening debating to take your own life and if this something that you are feeling then please reach out to a trained professional or check out my support contacts page as there are lots of free forms of support available for you.

I have reached out to my doctor and have to say speaking to someone was the best thing I could have done as it made me realise that I am not abnormal and that this is just one side of the horrible illness I suffer. Reaching out to someone close to you or a professional is for sure the first step in recovery. So make sure you reach out to someone near you.

One thing which does help when it comes to feeling numb is definitely going outside and taking in the nature that surrounds you. Going back to the basics can make you feel completely different and this is something which I will always try and do whether this is going for a run or just going for a nice long walk around Elvaston Castle which is not far from me at all. I of course always drag a friend with me. But taking my camera and seeing all that nature has to offer is 100% something which takes me back to the good things.

The world has so much to offer and seeing how beautiful mother nature can make you feel something instead of feeling numb and lifeless.

How long does feeling this way last for?

This can vary from person to person, even from time to time. For me this is something which has gone on for days, weeks or even months. The longer is goes on the worst it becomes as you forget what it is even like to have emotions and you feel like you are not deserving of being a human being as of course being a normal human being is to feel something and share you emotions with people.

But let me tell you… most of the time it does pass and even though you might feel that way again it will pass and you will feel ‘normal’ again. Life is full of the unknown and this is the same with depression even after suffering for years you will always come across something which is the unknown.

*All photos are my own

Time to Talk Day

Did you know 1st February is Time to Talk Day?

I hear you say what is Time to Talk Day? Well Time to Talk Day is all about spreading the word about mental health and stamping out the stigma. So whether you’re at work, school or just at home make sure you are open about mental health.

Mental health is something which 1 in 4 people will suffer with yet it seems to be something which no-one really wants to have a conversation about and this is something which deeply saddens me! With so many people suffering why is there such a stigma which surrounds it? We should all be able to talk freely, we do when it comes to breaking an arm or suffering with a long time illness. So what’s the difference?

If you need help about starting a conversation about mental health go check out the time to Time to Change page.

Words of Wisdom

I’ve been listening to a lot of old songs recently and one verse of Emeli Sandé songs really made me think about those suffering with mental health, so I thought I would share this with you as it is very relevant to today.

You’ve got the words to change a nation
But you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

You’ve got a heart as loud as lightning
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed

My Time to Talk

Warning this contains triggers

Now this is something which I find very difficult to do but I want to be able to help talk about mental health and try to stamp out the stigma.

I have suffered with mental health for over 10 years and this is something which has dominated my life for such a long time it’s hard to take control of my own life. It all started when I lost my mum 16 years ago when I was 8 years old. At the time I was living with my mum and my two brothers.

So when my mum passed I never really understood, being so young and not understanding what death was.. this is something that I am still struggling to deal with to this very day; 16 years later. Due to being so young and not being able to go through the grief process fully. I suffer with depression, severe anxiety and PTSD as a result… there are other things which contribute of course. I have been up and down for as long as I can remember, but I have only had 2 crisis experiences with my mental health and one of them was when I was 16 and the other was only last year.

Last year with my dad being extremely poorly and never being able to deal with my mums death, it left me feeling hopeless and a burden to my family. I was sitting in my room hidden from the world thinking about how I don’t want to carry on, googling all the different ways I could end of life .

I had cut my hips, arms and legs so much I was in pain most of the time but I was able to feel physical pain rather than the mental pain that was haunting me. It was the only way out for me. I would sit and watch the blood drip, being able to see this made me feel human and not just a walking zombie. I had never understood why I am not like most ‘normal’ people and it was something which made my illness worse. The more depressed I became the more I withdrew, I wouldn’t speak to anyone I wouldn’t eat anything. I had given up on myself and life!

Before I knew it I was sitting at home on my own sobbing my heart out, writing a letter to my loved ones of why I couldn’t ‘carry on’. I had taken a cocktail of medication along with alcohol and before I knew it I was thinking to myself it will be over before I know it and I will not have to suffer in pain anymore. I had never felt as though I could speak to someone about the pain I was feeling as no-one would understand and all my family were mainly men which made it harder for me to speak to them…. they are the most supportive people I know!

Within an hour of my cocktail of medications I was in hospital having test after test and being told after a few days of medication I would be safe to go home with supervision. As a result of this decision I made last February I am still recovering and I have my ups and downs. I am constantly back and forth with the doctors and also take a lot of medication to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Life is full of surprises and for me I have found that this is something which doesn’t define me anymore… even though at times it does. I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to become the best version of me I can and this is all down to talking to people who have been through circumstances like me. I have realised that there are a lot of people out there suffering as much as I am and for once I don’t feel as though I am alone!

Hopefully this has helped you to see that talking about mental health has such a huge impact on people suffering. Providing a listening ear can make the world of difference and can help to get someone through one of the hardest stages in their life. Even something as simple as asking someone if they are ok, but actually meaning it can start a conversation to help those suffering.

Make sure you spread the word to the people around you as there could be someone who is suffering in silence… I sure will be! Lets stamp out the stigma of mental health and move forward. We live in a day and age where mental health should be acceptable.

Speak Soon