Today is yet another birthday I’ve missed. Today my mum would have been 53 and these 18 birthdays have felt like someone has ripped part of me away as it’s just another day I’ve not had the chance to spoil her rotten!
I always think next year will be easier but this isn’t something which has happened yet. It actually gets harder as I just keep thinking of what I would of got her this year and every year becomes harder to keep her memory alive. I’ve forgotten her voice and I no longer have any vivid memories. Which just means sometimes it can feel like she was just a figure of my imagination! Please tell me that I’m not alone on this!!
Recently one of my doctors said to me “Remember what you gained, not what you’ve lost” which in the grand scheme of things sounded brilliant. I thought I’ll use that tool… today I don’t think I’ve been able to think of one thing as my heart just aches for what I lost all those years ago. What my nieces never got to see and how much my mum would idolise them.
If today isn’t challenging enough tomorrow is going to be an obstacle for sure. I’ve been put forward for some coping therapy to help with emotional distress… which I am excited for as it could really help me! However, for those of you who have been through therapy they will always say “It gets harder before it gets better!”… BLOODY BRILLIANT.
This is here to help me in the mists of my mental health assessment which I mentioned last time but it turns out there is more than just 2 sessions it could be that I am going to need a good few more hours before they can figure out what is wrong with me. The list keeps getting added to… I can’t wait to see the report they file at at the end of the assessment.
I can hear some of you now thinking… your getting help why are you moaning? The thing is I’m not moaning and I’m happy this is finally on the right path but it doesn’t mean it’s easy or that I am happy with the process. It’s bloody hard and sometimes mentioning these little things or making jokes actually helps. I’m sure you have all said it before but “If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry!” Well that’s me right now!!
But today has got me feeling like when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade as the juice will just squirt you in the eye!