I know I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog front and the truth is that I have been going through a very rough patch and haven’t had the time to even think about my blog.
I didn’t want to be away for so long but I have need a bit of me time and still do but I want to try and introduce my blog back into my life to keep you updated and let you know that it’s ok to not be ok. I want to help stamp out the stigma and by me staying silent isn’t going to do that!
So I’m going to do a bit of an update on me and what’s been going on. This isn’t easy for me to write as well I am still very much in a bit of a dark place.
A few months ago I got diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder and I am just in the process of some assessments to see if this is right. It’s looking like this is completely wrong as it seems that I have Complex PTSD, severe anxiety, severe depression and some form of disassociation disorder. This has not yet been confirmed as I do have another assessment at the start of August but I will keep you updated throughout my assessment.
However, having been told I have one diagnosis to now being told it could be something else has caused a bit of a rocky foundation for me, as I had started to get my head around one to be told I’ve now got something else. This has led me to do silly things and lose sight of my goal… recovery. It has caused me to take 30 steps back and this isn’t settling well with me. I’m sure you have all experienced the feeling of taking steps back and feeling like your not on the right path. But we have to remember that life is a rollercoaster and sometimes we will have the ups and we will also have downs.
In the middle of feeling low and assessments I am waiting to find out what therapy is needed. I’m on the search for what is going to help me get through some of the toughest moments of my life. I have also just been assigned a CPN to help support me through those rubbish days and ensure that I have someone to reach out to stop me doing something which would be life threatening.
The bad moments in our life allow us to appreciate the good ones a lot more!!
With me feeling as though I’m the lowest I’ve been for such a long time it has meant that I have started to slip into my old ways. This has included self harming and beating myself up for such little things. I no longer feel as though I’m deserving of the luxury’s in life. I’m sure all of you can understand when I say about self care as a luxury… this isn’t something we have to do, but we should all do it! This can be taking the time out for me or ensuing that I am eating at the right time and eating the right things.
I spend a lot of my time crying and thinking about what could of been. How I could be such a unloveable person? Feeling as though I’m just a waste of oxygen! Sometimes it just takes someone close to you to show your loved and valued. I am very lucky to have a best friend who I can count on, whether that’s listening and guiding me out of a dark place or just cooking for me and ensuring I’m getting a decent meal. These little things can make such a difference to those dark days, it adds a bit of light for a few seconds or minutes! For me some of these little things have been a bit of a life saver as I’ve definitely had some moment where I’ve felt like I can’t go on any longer.
As a result of feeling so rotten I have been advised by doctors to give Yoga a try and I’m not going to lie that it is definitely helping me to have an hour a week to force myself to get in tune with my body and see where the tension is. It brings a bit of peace to my life for a few minutes throughout the class. I’ve only been to a few and will continue going to see if this can really make an improvement on my mental health. As this comes highly recommend from doctors and specialists to help with mental health… I will try to keep you updated on this.
Hope this has allowed you to have some insight into why I’ve been so quiet and off social media compared to normal. I am going to try and help keep you informed throughout my mental health journey and let you know what does and doesn’t work. Hopefully with this it will help to show that you are not alone and together let’s hope to stamp out the stigma around mental health!!