Update on me

I just want to start with saying sorry for being so quiet on the blog front and social media. I’ve just been having some me time. A lot has happened after the past few months and needed to just take some time to focus on number one! We all need to do this from time to time… so make sure you do this when you need it.

So I’ll start off with the changes within my life. I’ve recently being diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder and this is something which I don’t know too much about and looking online can be a bit of a scary process not knowing how it affects you and questioning everything about yourself! I for sure have been really beating myself up and have to say this has took a bit of beating against my recovery process. But as my dad said to me is “You are still the same person Vanessa, you haven’t changed” and this is something which I have to try and remember. This is just another diagnosis it doesn’t change who I am if anything it’s just explains why I am the way I am! One thing that has really helped me is tracking my moods so this is something my physiatrist recommend for me to and I have to say it allows me to see a pattern… if i can spot one!

So don’t let another diagnosis get you down… you are still the same person as you was before you got that diagnosis!

A few other things have changed I’ve started to actually talk to someone I really care about but this can be hard when your not very well and in the process of recovery. Sometimes It can be hard work and start to question everything throughout the process… why do they like me? Can they deal with me when I’m actually poorly? Can they really deal with all the baggage I have? Are they going think I’m crazy? For some of you who have read all of my posts you will know there is a lot of baggage I have. I swear I have enough to bloody fill a bloody plane and that’s with bloody hand luggage!! It just means it can be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I can be fine one minute and not the next. Which is never easy for me or someone else to have to deal with.

Over the past few months there have been a few close shaves with being very down and not knowing whether there is any point. So this is when I decided to take that time out for me. I have not been the best I’ve been with self harming and not really wanting to be around some people. There have been a lot of moments where I’ve locked myself away and had a good bloody good cry… this is one of my coping mechanisms, it’s always easy to hide from the world and pretend that everything is ok when you face work and friends. Lucky enough I have haven’t had to have any time off work as I have found this is definitely a way for me to escape and just focus on something other than my new diagnosis or my issues at home.

One thing I’ve realise is that recovery is not a straight road. You can go back a few times or even stop within your tracks! Recovery is not always as easy as you think it will be… I didn’t ever think it would be easy but I also didn’t think it would be something that would take so long. But I also didn’t expect it to be such a rollercoaster… I suppose that’s just the thing about recovery no one can tell you how it is going to be as each and every single one of us have our ways of recovering and we all do it in different ways and at our own pace! But slow and steady does 100% won’t the race!

How are you within your recovery process?

* All photos are my own

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