This is something which is very close to my heart and is something we can all relate to which we will all experience in our lifetimes which is sad to even think about as it is truly heartbreaking! I wish we didn’t have to deal with the whole grief process as it can break the strongest of people.
I have already briefly touched up on this but I lost my mum 16 years ago and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. This is something which I struggle with each day and I miss her more and more every single day!!
I do think that life is rubbish at times as it can throw some hard things our way but as I’ve always been told you are only given what you can cope with and at times I think thats not fair! Why me? Why do I have to say goodbye to so many of my loved ones? Its always me! I am sure those of you who have lost a loved one can truly relate to this.
When it comes to losing a loved one there is the grief process which we go through and there is no time frame for going through this. There are 5 steps of grief. I will go into this a little bit more.
Denial & Isolation
The first reaction to death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. Denial is a defence mechanism which happens with immediate shock of the loss, numbing us of our emotions. We block out the words and hide from the facts. We start to feel as though life is meaningless and is nothing worth any value what so ever. Luckily enough for most people this is a temporary feeling.
As masking effects of denial and isolation start to wear off, reality starts to set in and with that the pain emerges. We are not ready for this and it comes a little overwhelming. The emotion is directed to anger, this can be aimed at objects, complete strangers, friends or family.
This can be directed at our deceased love one! We know that the person is not to be blamed but emotionally we may resent this person for causing us so much pain and leaving us! I know I feel like this a lot now! As we start to feel guilty for being angry we end up becoming more angry and frustrated.
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to be able to regain control through a series of ‘If only’ statements which could include.
If only I could of been there for them….
If only I knew what they was going through…
If only they have spoken to me about this….
If only they had been to see a different doctor and got a second opinion….
This is an attempt to bargain. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one, but in reality we know we couldn’t of done anything to help.
This is one which I can imagine we can all relate to. There are two types of depression which are related to the mourning process. This first one if a reaction to practical implication relating to the loss, sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We start to become worried about the costs and burial. Worrying about how we have spent less time with others who depend on us.
The second type is more subtle and in a sense more private. It is a quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved ones a farewell. Sometimes we just really need a hug.
Getting to this stage is something which I could only dream of as I still have not reached this stage! So not everyone can reach this stage, death may be suffer and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves to chance to make our peace.
Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
When it comes to losing a loved one try to take some time for yourself, giving yourself the time to deal with the shock and loss you are going through. This is something which I didn’t do and now I am paying the price. Make sure you remember that each others journey is completely different to the next persons, don’t put pressure on yourself because your sister/brother/friend is dealing with this a lot better and quicker than you! You are different and can’t be compared to anyone else.
I can tell you from my experience that everyone deals with things differently. Life has a way of throwing other things in your path which can delay or speed the process up, you just need to ensure you give yourself the time you need. Even once the grieving process is done you may have good and bad days… allow yourself these days. Even after 16 years I miss my mum every single day and there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her…. I love her more than life itself! She was my rock and will be until the day I die!
Is there anything you struggle with when it comes to losing a loved one?
*My own Photos