So I have always been one of those people who doesn’t like to be at home alone, as I feel vulnerable and alone, completely isolated even though when my family are home I just sit in my room, but it’s different because I know someone is in the house with me. But for a few days I am all alone with no-one around to help me and I am left in charge of looking after my dads birds (he has an aviary)! They are beautiful birds and the sound of them makes me so relaxed… which is brilliant when it comes to my anxiety.
Being someone who is anxious at the thought of being left alone, I am actually enjoying the time to myself. I am currently sat in the living room and catching up on ‘In the dark’ which I have to say is bloody brilliant!! But it’s nice to be able to get myself all snuggled up in front of the tv, doing a bit of blogging and watching a brilliant drama.
Since being on my own which has only been a couple of nights I have done a tone of washing and relaxed a little, which is nice for me as it doesn’t tend to happen too much. I have had a good amount of times where I am anxious, I woke up this morning shaking like a leaf when I realised that no-one was here and if something was to happen no one would know. But I do tend to find it is a lot worse for me when I am going to sleep having to lock the house up and it being complete darkness. Knowing I have locked the doors but questioning if I have, freaking out thinking I have left something on such as the hob etc (half the time I haven’t even used them.. which makes it more obscene). This results in me getting out of bed several times to check the doors and windows, lights and of course all electrical appliances. I seem to have this big fear that there is something bad which is going to happen, mostly being burgled (which has all started from when I was younger, I have always had nightmares as long as I can remember) and only being 5ft 4 and 24 years old I wouldn’t be able to do much to protect myself as I couldn’t hurt a fly if I tried.
However, it has been nice coming home with no-one in and being able to do whatever I want. I have actually started to enjoy and has got me thinking about how I might actually enjoy having my own house. Which I have been very sketchy about for a while now as living on my own brings so many anxieties along with it, the fear of being along, the fear of not being able to escape my thoughts when I want to and most importantly the fear of doing something silly. As I seem to do the most stupid things when I am all alone, whether it has been hurting myself or just not being able to think straight.
But so far being on my own hasn’t been too bad apart from the odd little break down of tears and the anxiety but it hasn’t been too bad at all. I do tend to worry about my family a lot when they are not home but speaking to the important man in my life (my dad) every now and then does help. I do feel as though I am able to get through some of the things which use to be unbearable.. don’t get me wrong I still have those days but they are not as bad… High Five!!
Do you like being home alone?