Today has been one of them days for me while I have felt as though my life is crumbling before my eyes. I know we almost all have them and I don’t know about you, but when I am having one of them days I just see no point in life and why I put myself through this. Some days are worse than others and today has been one of those where I don’t know why I even bothered stepping out of bed…. even though it was mid-day when I did anyway.
I even took some time out for myself by doing a bit of pampering, I put on a face mask and did my nails, seems that doesn’t even help on these days. I felt as though I was fighting back the tears all day and just thought ‘Why don’t I just get into bed and hide from the world’ hoping I wouldn’t have to wake up to this rubbish again. Counting down the hours until I can go to sleep again, at least I would be escaping…. but that doesn’t even work anymore as things I worry about seem to get me in my dreams and end up with night terrors!
Today I felt as though everything was against me! Nothing was good, people messaging me on my page for raising awareness for mental health saying not very nice things. This is the last thing you want when you are having a day where you hate yourself enough. Family members very close to me being poorly and not being able to control anything about it. Thinking about all those horrible things that have happened and wondering why I should even bother, as each day is just another painful 12+ hours in the big wide world.
Do you wake up and just wish the day away? Wanting the day to be over, so you don’t have to put on a front anymore? Do you ever have days where you just want to close your eyes and not wake up? I sure do and sometimes it becomes too much to live with and I wonder why I even keep putting myself through this pain. No wonder I am miserable and angry all the time, when I just don’t even enjoy life like most people should/do.
Speaking to people close to me who don’t suffer with this illness, they think this is such a selfish way to be as, why would you want to give up? They never understand the pain which is going on and why you are the way you are. I can’t help this due to my past experiences which have made me the way I am. I can’t do anything about it… I take my medication, I do all the work I have been provided with. I make sure I speak to my therapists, I go to the doctors for regular check ups, I keep myself busy and I go to the psychiatrists yet I am still not enjoying every day and have days like this! I wonder will this ever go away and sometimes I think no, yet other days I think I have to make the most of it as once my life is over there is no coming back.
I have a lot of amazing friends and family, they get me through most of the days, whether that is with a nice text or just a friendly face. However, this doesn’t take away the feelings of guilt, overwhelming sadness or the feeling of ‘Why should I bother?’. Mental illness is something which affects me more than I ever let on to those around me, but I have to keep trying to move forward else I know where this journey will end and for me this is something I don’t want to put my family through now. I am still thinking slightly straight to know that I don’t want my life to be over just yet.
We all go through these days where we think I am better off dead but the truth is if you speak to your family or friends they will tell you otherwise; they care about you and want only what is best for you. I know this because of experiences I have been through and I have only ever seen this hurt those closest to me and this isn’t what you want. We need to work together to help make each day more bearable and you never know with the help of each other we may become a lot more content (as much as we can be I suppose).
I want you to know even though others are going through mental health issues it does not mean they’re not there for you. I know that will helping people going through similar things to me, it makes me feel as though for once I have a reason to be here!