Intrusive Thoughts

May contain triggers

When you suffer with depression there are a lot of scary things which come with the territory. This can be a number of things from not knowing who you are, not trusting the people you love or having the most scary thoughts you know you can’t run away from.

This is something which I can relate to. I have had some scary thoughts throughout my experience with mental health these have been a variety of different things from wanting to hurt myself to different ways of taking my own life. You name it I more than likely have had a thought about it.

One for me which sticks out is when I have been on a train platform and I visioned myself jumping in front of the moving train, this is something which happened a long time ago and has stuck with me. I will never forget this and it seemed as real as both you and me. Something which really struck me was at the time I was with my family and I didn’t understand how these thoughts could attack me while being around those that cared and loved me more than anything.

Sometimes these intrusive thoughts can have such an impact on us they lead us to do things which are unimaginable to others. Something which some of you may be able to relate to is when these thoughts take over and can lead you into horrific circumstances. They can lead to you causing harm to yourself, whether that is self harming or deciding that this is the end. I have been on the end of this many of times and it never gets easier but one thing I have learnt is that when I am able to control these thoughts a lot more I am able to see that this is not something which I want.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you are suffering in silence, a lot of people suffer with these intrusive thoughts and not everyone is the same but some people will be able to understand and provide guidance. You are not ‘crazy’ or alone in this… those who say you are must live a very sheltered life. You are stronger than you may seem and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

This is something which we have to remember and that’s these thoughts can hit us at anytime. Sometimes it can seem as though you are in a dream even though you are wide awake, nothing can prepare you for these and as time goes on they become proof reality. You can sometimes struggle to define reality and ‘fantasy’. I say fantasy as this may not be something which would actually happen but your mind is making you see/think these things.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are having an awaking nightmare or a scary thought then try to do something which will ground you. This could be something as simple as pinching yourself… not too hard as you don’t want to cause harm to yourself. I sometimes find that meditation is a brilliant thing for times like these as there are so many different meditations out there for all different scenarios. I would highly recommend checking out simple habit if this is something which are you interested in giving a try.

But never suffer in silence, if you need someone to reach out to make sure you check out my support contacts page!

Have you ever felt numb?

This is something most people would look at and think no unless they have had a tooth out or something but I mean emotionally numb and I am sure there are a lot of you who can relate to this.

This has been how I have been feeling now for a while now and it hasn’t been something I have spoken about until the last week or so. I don’t like to admit to people that I am not feeling my ‘normal’ self. I have to say this is something that really strikes a cord with me as I hate feeling nothing… it is for sure worse than feeling extremely emotional.

What do you mean feeling numb?

Feeling numb to me is feeling nothing, no emotion just going on with each day as if each day is just a dream and there is nothing else left to give to world. I am not happy, sad, angry, I have no emotion what so ever. Even to the point you want to cry and feel as though you could cry but there is nothing inside you to give.

Feeling numb takes every part of your identity from you as well as the ability to be a human being, as all human beings and creatures feel pain and have emotion but when you can no longer feel anything it makes you feel as though there is nothing to you. You feel as though you are just a shell walking around.

When people ask you ‘are you ok?’ its not a easy question to answer as you have no idea what you are feeling, feeling lost within your self. It can be so heart breaking when you are looking at your beautiful niece and feeling nothing when she would normally melt your heart and make you feel all warm inside but instead feeling absolutely nothing. It’s hard to understand and then you feel worse as you are just a shell of the person you once was.

What to do if you are feeling numb?

Well there is no right answer for this as it is a hard one. One of the first things I would recommend is speaking out to someone whether this is a friend or a family member or a trained professional.

I would always recommend going to see your doctor, as feeling numb can lead you to harmful behaviour such as self harming and evening debating to take your own life and if this something that you are feeling then please reach out to a trained professional or check out my support contacts page as there are lots of free forms of support available for you.

I have reached out to my doctor and have to say speaking to someone was the best thing I could have done as it made me realise that I am not abnormal and that this is just one side of the horrible illness I suffer. Reaching out to someone close to you or a professional is for sure the first step in recovery. So make sure you reach out to someone near you.

One thing which does help when it comes to feeling numb is definitely going outside and taking in the nature that surrounds you. Going back to the basics can make you feel completely different and this is something which I will always try and do whether this is going for a run or just going for a nice long walk around Elvaston Castle which is not far from me at all. I of course always drag a friend with me. But taking my camera and seeing all that nature has to offer is 100% something which takes me back to the good things.

The world has so much to offer and seeing how beautiful mother nature can make you feel something instead of feeling numb and lifeless.

How long does feeling this way last for?

This can vary from person to person, even from time to time. For me this is something which has gone on for days, weeks or even months. The longer is goes on the worst it becomes as you forget what it is even like to have emotions and you feel like you are not deserving of being a human being as of course being a normal human being is to feel something and share you emotions with people.

But let me tell you… most of the time it does pass and even though you might feel that way¬†again it will pass and you will feel ‘normal’ again. Life is full of the unknown and this is the same with depression even after suffering for years you will always come across something which is the unknown.

*All photos are my own